So stupid.

Jul. 19th, 2010 05:04 am
baneofsociety: (Default)
[personal profile] baneofsociety
Here's something I posted on my livejournal (warning--this is a long-ass post):


"There is nothing like blank paper, or an empty document or text box to type in. Every time I see it there's this little sense of relief. It's the same relief I have when I see a blade or look at the cuts I've made on my body. And I suppose it's a safer outlet, writing. Because maybe I am becoming addicted.

The trouble is deciding whether or not I care. Because I see nothing wrong with being ugly or disfigured, and in fact I want parts of me to be that way. My body, at least. I don't want people to look at me and go, "Ohhh, she's a babe." Instead, I want them to be shocked and repulsed, if they even see my bare skin at all.

And besides, I don't see scarred flesh as ugly. I actually find it beautiful. If it's beautiful to me, isn't that all that matters? Part of me worries about what people will think if they find out, if they see the scars or the cuts when they're still fresh. Worries that they will try to guilt me into stopping, will cause me trouble. Tell me I need to get help, or something like that. Well, I am getting help, for the stuff that actually matters.

But even if this thing is an addiction or grows to be, is it necessarily bad? I'm already not so concerned with control, because I know it doesn't exist. Humans struggle for control over their lives every day, but we really are so helpless. That's how people get raped and murdered and abandoned, because they're not in control. So I'm just choosing to acknowledge and indulge in this... habit.

Will I someday regret it if my body is a road map of scars? Will I look at what I've done to myself and feel horrified? I can't imagine that I will. And if it's a deterrent to men, all the better. I don't want anyone to touch me.

So, if I try to resist this thing, what does it gain? Why do I bother resisting the urge? I suppose it's because someone told me recently, "It's very bad if you're wanting to hurt yourself. That means something is wrong." And now I'm questioning it. But it's not even so much that as... I decided to prove to myself that I wasn't addicted, and was shocked when out of nowhere it seemed like the desire had been building up for hours in the back of my mind, and I actually experienced a moment of what felt like insanity, so strong was my desperation for that blade.

That feeling of absolutely needing it disturbed me. I thought before that I could handle this, that it was a conscious choice I was making. And when I had to fight to resist, it proved to me that it wasn't so much a choice.

So, the beginnings of addiction is what this seems to be. And now I just have to decide whether or not to give in to it, as I've already decided that being scarred doesn't bother me. So I suppose it really is the feeling of losing control that I'm hesitant to give in to.

Control... why are we so concerned with it?"


An online friend of mine then commented on it, saying that I was given to fixations/obsessions that passed with time, and that she thought this was just one more of those things. That comment... made me so angry that I almost went and cut myself, just to spite her--even though she wouldn't have known about it.

I thought about it though. And I thought, "You know what? Fuck her. She doesn't know a thing about me. She talks to me a little bit online and thinks she knows all about how my mind works?" And I don't even care if she meant it that way, because that's how I'm taking it. Around sensitive topics like SI people should know better than to just speak carelessly, especially if they're attempting to give some kind of advice.

But I ended up not cutting because I knew how ignorant she was, and that what she thought really shouldn't affect me. And cutting in that moment almost would have been like giving her power over me. That is control I'm not willing to give up. And is a huge part of the reason why I think I started cutting in the first place. If someone tells me to stop, then I will probably do it. If someone says something upsetting enough to make me want to cut, well then I might if I really need it to help me cope, but if they're just being stupid then I know it's not even worth a scar on my skin. You have to earn that spot. Ha ha!

This 'friend'... *sigh* I suppose she is a friend and I do care about her. But she has been dragging me down and doing things to get under my skin for a long time now. Sometimes I just want to tell her off. I think it's mostly my desire to not give her the satisfaction of getting to me (especially because she's extremely belligerent toward my faith and is quite obvious about watching for an opportunity for me to 'fall' so that she can kick me while I'm down and use it as one more excuse for her blind hatred toward Christianity--honestly, she makes so many hurtful comments about Christians, while knowing that I am one and that I will see her comments, it couldn't be more clear to me that she is just trying to get a rise out of me) that stops me from responding harshly like I want to. I might be a Christian, but even Christians have vulnerabilities... what kind of friend goes out of their way to exploit them?

Because of her, I'm thinking of saving most of the personal things about my life for this journal here... although I know I probably won't just post it here. I don't believe in censorship, or letting people's opinions control my own decisions, and so even though I will continue to get idiotic and insensitive comments there, I know it is likely that I will continue to post personal things on my livejournal as well. After all, it's my journal and I have that right. If someone doesn't like it, they can fuck off.

Anyway, as I said in my reply to her comment, I have had urges to SI for years and am just more recently starting to give in to them. I have seriously thought about doing such things and been experimenting with it since I was around fourteen or fifteen. I am now twenty four. Does that sound like a 'fixation' that I am just going to get over in a few weeks or months? Fuck no! That sounds like an ongoing problem, or an 'obsession' that is definitely going to be--if not a lifelong thing--then at the very least something I 'obsess' over for many more years.

And what does she mean by my 'getting over' my obsessions? For her fucking information, every character/fandom/story that I've ever been obsessed with, I still am (except for kiddy things like the Cinderella book I used to read over and over again) obsessed with. And just about every person I've ever fixated on I still fixate on, or could if I let myself think about them, to some degree. Not that she would know that.

And that's because she's busy thinking about how I apparently got over my 'fixation' of rping with her. I know that's what she's comparing it to. The thing is... ha ha ha! I was never obsessed with rping with her. The cruel, cold truth is that I was just passing the time. I felt only the affection of any normal friendship for her, but never once reached a level of obsession with her--because, as mean as it sounds, she held no fascination for me.

And since I could never work up her level of enthusiasm for her fandom, since I ended up ditching her when I actually got a life (I can't help it if I suddenly have real life friends that I'm busy with, and insanely hard classes that I'm trying to try to study for--yes, I did type it that way on purpose... I haven't actually gotten much studying done), she's all bitter and resentful and doing her passive/aggressive thing, constantly trying to send me on guilt trips with her snide little comments and awkward, pointed silences. Well...

I am just about done with her!

*sigh* Wow, this entry ended up being mostly about how my so-called friend has been pissing me off for the last few months. Pretty pathetic. She didn't even deserve all of this time I spent writing about her. The woman has been sapping me of all my emotional energy and compassion since the start of our friendship and she doesn't even realize it because she's too busy being clingy and needy and fucking insane to recognize that these are the very behaviors she told me about when we first started talking... the strong indicators that she does indeed have Borderline Personality Disorder, as she told me she suspects.

Well, I'm so tired of dealing with it because for as much as I give I don't get anything back. Or at least that's how it seems. Sure, she talks to me. But whenever I'm down, she's there kicking me. And she's really too insensitive to recognize that her comments are clumsy, fumbling, unwanted, and rude.

Ah, I know I sound so bitter and I'm not usually this way. But I'm not going to apologize for it... if anyone had 'friends' like mine, I think they would be close to pulling their hair out too.

And you know, I just thought about it... I think the thing that makes me angriest of all about her ignorance is--well, just that. That she clearly doesn't know what she's talking about. I know she struggles with depression, but that doesn't make her an expert in SI. In fact, from her comments, I seriously doubt that she ever bothered to research the issue at all. I believed myself, until tonight when I had the incident with feeling like I needed it, to be different from all the other SI cases. But I am starting to see that that is not true. I might not fit the profile exactly, but I have done research on this strange thing I feel the urge to do, and I can recognize patterns and I know the signs of addiction.

All this, and she knows that I was raped, and that I have wanted to mutilate my body ever since. At least, I do believe she read those entries where I described my reasons for feeling that way (the rape she knew all about of course because I have talked about it with her on many occasions). She cannot possibly guess my rage and disgust with all things sexual because she has never gone through that herself, and after doing much research on SI I know that the majority of people who do it have been sexually abused in some way. If what happened to me is indeed contributing to my compulsions, as I suspect it is, then that is not something that I am just going to 'get over'. That is like saying, "Oh, you'll just get over being violated. It's no big deal."

Yeah, that's what makes me so mad about it. That her flippant, unassuming comment really ended up insinuating that I don't have enough pain and reason for pain to want to do this to myself. I know for sure that she didn't mean it like that, I know she didn't stop to think about the implication of her words. But still, in the end that's what she's saying.

Yes, I have a problem with people controlling everything in my life and I want to take back some control, but really... more than that.... I just want to cut every inch of my skin until I'm covered in hideous scars that will make every man turn away with disgust so that he will never even consider trying to fuck me. The last time that happened I nearly died, and I won't let it ever happen again. Not against my will. And probably not any other way either.

So fuck her and fuck everyone who tells me I should stop, because it's my body and I'm going to make sure no one ever tries to touch me again. By the time I'm done the world will be so repulsed with me that they'll want nothing more than to look away, but like onlookers at a trainwreck their morbid curiosity will compel them to stare, as I display my scars for all to see...

Throwing back in the faces of corporate America the consequences of all their hardcore porn and oppression of women! I'm not going to disappear any time soon.

(and for anyone who doesn't know and is curious, I will soon explain in another post the basics of what happened to me, since I guess anyone who eventually reads this thing would probably want to know something that has contributed so largely to who I am today.)

(no subject)

Date: 2010-07-19 05:36 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] scribbled_lore
I'm sorry you had to go through this horrible experience, and those leading up to it, but now that I've read this I'm definitely more inclined to believe that what you need is someone to talk to (a professional someone). Please consider this possibility.

Thank you for sharing this with me (and anyone else who reads your DW).


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Upsetting the Established Order....

July 2010

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