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Wow, I am a bit in shock right now. That friend I just spent all my time ranting about in the last entry I posted told me just now through a text message that she acted like she did (flipping out when I stopped talking to her for a while, and then flipping out when she learned of my cutting) because she actually used to have a little crush on me. The way she's talking though makes me think she still has that crush. And for some reason she's just now telling me all of this... Maybe because she's drunk. Ha ha! I hope she doesn't feel embarrassed about it tomorrow.

It all makes sense. I was angry with her for so long because I felt like she was smothering me and treating me like a girlfriend, and I didn't know how to express that to her. Everything makes sense now, and I find it hard to be mad about stuff anymore. How can I be mad at her for reacting that way when I know now that she likes me?

I am a little amused right now too, because this reminds me of those scenes from the movies where the character who's been acting frustrating finally makes a heartfelt confession to the character who's been confused and aggravated by their behavior. My life is such a story... ha ha!

So stupid.

Jul. 19th, 2010 05:04 am
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Here's something I posted on my livejournal (warning--this is a long-ass post):


"There is nothing like blank paper, or an empty document or text box to type in. Every time I see it there's this little sense of relief. It's the same relief I have when I see a blade or look at the cuts I've made on my body. And I suppose it's a safer outlet, writing. Because maybe I am becoming addicted.

The trouble is deciding whether or not I care. Because I see nothing wrong with being ugly or disfigured, and in fact I want parts of me to be that way. My body, at least. I don't want people to look at me and go, "Ohhh, she's a babe." Instead, I want them to be shocked and repulsed, if they even see my bare skin at all.

Continue here )
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I'm back, and I have been for a while I guess. Ha ha! I just forgot to check back here and post stuff. I want to be using it more often though. I really like dreamwidth. :)
baneofsociety: (Default)
Taking time to fix my life. Offline, for one day first. See how that goes. Then after being online again, I'll try being offline for 2 days, and so on and so forth. I need to fix my problem. I need to do it now.
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One more cut. Just one more. One more drink. Just one more. One more episode of Nip/Tuck, checking of the inbox, hour of surfing the net, hour of sleep, hour of staying up, day I go without fulfilling any of my promises, obligations, dreams.

Just one more.


Jun. 27th, 2010 11:03 pm
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switchblade knife

This little child won't grow any faster. This little child is stuck in warp. If you want something done, do it yourself. Inanimate objects have the most to say out of anything. That's why we throw the people away. Bodies are piling up in garbage cans and landfills, no more room, better get the hell out while you still can. Can't protect your dead cells from flies, why do you even try?

My card

Jun. 27th, 2010 09:41 pm
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I signed up for Kink Bingo last night and today I got my card. I'm so excited!

Now I just have to figure out what kinks I want to use, how I can make a bingo, what fandoms I want to write for, and make a general outline for each fic (unless I'm really inspired, in which case I won't need one).

I doubt I'll make the deadline for the contest but it'll be fun to try. And if not, I've got a year to share what I've come up with before I get a year-long ban. I know I'm a huge procrastinator but surely even I can manage to generate some content in a year, right?

My pretty card...I couldn't have asked for a better one. :)

baneofsociety: (Default)
Putting this here so that my page isn't blank... don't really have much to say right now though and I might delete it later once I actually make a real entry.

The one thing on my mind right now: I am pissed as hell at my parents, at my situation, and I am now to the point where I know I have to get out. I just need someone there to help me stay motivated because my depression often saps everything out of me. Sometimes just breathing is so hard.


baneofsociety: (Default)
Upsetting the Established Order....

July 2010

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